31 Days To My Best Yes:: Day 20 A Mother’s Guilt

Barley-Sunset

The Hubs was giving me the night off.  Why wasn’t I jumping at the chance? I had been to all of Lily’s practices and the one game she’d had so far. It was the first time my baby was participating in organized sports and I didn’t want to miss a thing. I shouldn’t, right?

Before the season started, our soccer league had put on a special skills “academy” for 5 weeks. This was the last practice  and they were giving AWARDS.  But the Hubs was saying, “Take a couple of hours to yourself. I’ve got this.” But they were giving AWARDS! What kind of mother misses that?

I could have two and a  half hours of aloneness and silence or I could be there to see my daughter receive her first sport’s award. Both were good things.

The season had just begun and I knew there would be a lot more games, a lot more practices,  and in the big scheme of life, a lot more awards. Was I terrible for just wanting to be alone?

When did we moms begin thinking that taking time for ourselves is so bad?? We need it! And desperately! Like a car that needs to be refilled with gas and tuned up from time to time, I need to be refreshed and recharged or I sputter out.

I might have been the only other mom missing these awards out of the hundreds of parents there (And I probably wasn’t.); but that didn’t  make me a bad mom.

I’m so glad that I didn’t let my mother’s guilt keep me from taking a night off. Why? Because I had  the best two hours!

I took our dog, Boomer,  on an hour long walk. Good for him and good for me.

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Something happened on this walk that doesn’t happen very often. I got to think…. actual thoughts. There were a  lot of thoughts, fleshed out and all strung together without interruption. This was a rare event.

I let my eyes take in the beautiful countryside, felt the breeze on my face, my muscles moving. I was in no hurry.

Deep thoughts you didn’t know you had seem to surface when you have the time and space to think, when the white noise that surrounds our everyday is shut out.  We need that. I need that.

I walked past a field that should have been summer green. Instead, because of our dry, drought weather, the bleached grass swayed in the golden field. Too much sun; not enough water.

Yet as the sun shone on that bone dry field, I couldn’t help but think how beautiful it was. I wondered how many times I’d driven past this field in my distracted busyness and missed this beauty.

God and I had a great conversation that evening. I always seem to end our really deep conversations like this, “Lord, what’s my purpose? I know it’s to be a godly wife and mom. But what else?”

He reminded me in that gentle, loving way He always does,  “Just do what you are doing now. Walk the dog. Take time time to talk to me. Today you are doing what you are supposed to do and that’s all you need to be concerned about.”

Would going to  my daughter’s event have been a good thing to do? Most definitely. Would cheering her on and supporting her been a good choice? Of course. But that day My Best Yes, was taking taking some time for me, walking my dog, and thinking some thoughts.

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