I’m big on making lists.

I gave up on super detailed lists (with time slots assigned to tasks), though, a long time ago.

I’m still a paper planner girl; and I must write things down and see them on paper, rather than my phone.

I would never start my daily to do’s on time or finish them in said allotted time.

Life rarely happens on time. Not my time anyway.

Instead, I began to find a rhythm to my day and stuck with that.

I find that the rhythm of my days change with seasons. That means actual seasons but also seasons of life.

This last year of life, these last 12 months have looked like……..

Lily going to (real) school for the time ever.

My mom’s death.

Winter.

Boomer’s death.

Spring.

End of school year madness.

Summer.

Many trips and family time and getting back to nature.

Rest.

Rest and nature.

Now fall.

My winter rhythm was different, of course, than spring’s. Spring was much busier. Activities that had taken a hiatus started back up again. The days got longer. Warmer. In homeschool land, we shook off the coziness and slowness of winter and geared up to finish out the year, hopefully strong.

My winter was different this past year from any other year. My rhythm wasn’t much of a rhythm. It was more of a “Let’s just get through the days.”

Let’s just get through the holidays.

Let’s just get through my mom’s birthday.

Let’s just get through the memorial service.

After we bury her, things will get back to normal.

Lily going to school each day and tennis, homework, basket ball practice for H, Awana, youth group, our homeschool co-op day……those activities all helped me put one foot in front of the other during this last winter and spring. It wasn’t that my rhythm was off. I had no rhythm of any kind. I just woke up, did all the things, and was so glad to crawl back into bed each day.

Death and grief have it’s own rhythm.

I’m so thankful that rhythms change, though. Spring came after a winter of what seemed like a never ending successions of storms ( You know the kind of weather where you scream, ” I can’t handle another rainy day!) Then we had the unexpected joy of snow. Snow? Of all things, snow. It was magical. Eventually, the days got longer and the sun began to shine.

My heart began to feel lighter and the tears, while they came, didn’t seem to come quite as often.

I had a realization. My thought was, “Grief has taken up a seat at the table and I can’t ask it to leave. I can walk with it, though. I guess I don’t really have a choice.” Grief had fallen into step in my new spring rhythm.

Spring came with it’s own rhythm and it’s own brand of busy.

Summer came and I couldn’t wait. I couldn’t wait for all the activities to stop and for school to pause. I was counting down the days to when Lily came home and I didn’t have to ask, “So, what’s for homework?” I was ready to relish in the days of shorts, no shoes and trips to the pool. I was ready to not feel so sad all the time.

Summer was delightful. It had it’s own rhythm with a kind of low key, unstructured chaos. I love summer.

And here I come, full circle in my year. Fall.

I love summer but fall is my favorite.

The rhythm has changed again. Slowly this time. Soccer started back up. Then school. Then youth group. Then our Co-op and now Awana. The Hubs has a completely different schedule this next stretch. Thankfully all these changes didn’t happen at once. I’m learning to find my new cadence in this new season.

We recently came up on a year without my mom. Grief looks a little different now. It doesn’t hurt any less, I don’t miss her any less. I think there is an acceptance of “this is just the way things are now” that can only come with time. I’ve just made room for it. Grief is just an expression of the love we have for someone we can’t express it to anymore. It’s beautiful actually.

I’m ready for fall. I’m ready for cooler nights, baking homemade apple pie, making stews and soups. I’m ready for all things pumpkins. Give me all the pumpkins! I’m ready for watching Nightmare Before Christmas with my family while wearing my Jack Skellington socks. We are neck deep in soccer and co-op with Henry. Lily is loving school and is on the hunt for a homecoming dress. I’m ready for this new rhythm and embracing the busyness of fall while looking for those moments to be still and read and write. And drink tea, of course.